Here is a collection of the finest I use. Some found online, some I created, some stolen

  • is proof reading tmake sure he hasn’t any words out.
  • is with your mom.
  • must stop using Facebook as the primary communication method with his girlfriend, family and friends.
  • must only pay for sex if the price seems really, really reasonable
  • is looking for something tfind .
  • is in quarantine.
  • is made of mostly foreign material.
  • is grrrrrreat! Tony the Tiger is jealous. :D
  • is havingtrou blewithhis spacebar.
  • is making babies.
  • is taking a gap year and focusing on the bible.
  • is coming ta theater near you.
  • is with your girlfriend.
  • wants an Orange Mocha Frappuccino!
  • is trying tthink of clever things tsay after inhaling from a helium balloon.
  • , it turns out, isn’t a Jedi :(
  • ’s hobby is collecting dust
  • puts the prin procrastinate
  • is thinking of a number between 1 and 10.
  • is loving the smell of napalm in the morning
  • is a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!
  • wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  • is filmed before a live stuidaudience
  • having the best day of my life, and I owe it all tnot going tChurch!
  • is busy with Jedi business, gback tyour drinks.
  • says size matters not. Judge me by my size, dyou?
  • is made mostly of water.
  • is shaking a tailfeather
  • doesnt look a thing like Jesus.
  • the guy whput the laughter in manslaughter
  • pondering a move intthe 3rd dimension
Some more created and found
  • has noticed that friends are scarce, when not on Facebook.
  • is wearing his birthday suit under all these clothes.
  • brakes for unicorns.
  • is the stuff that dreams are made of.
  • monitors your every status change vehemently
  • is hoping this God fellow would give him some clear sign! Like making a large deposit for me in a Swiss bank account.
  • is obsessed with spicy cabbages.
  • Is intending tlive forever - sfar, sgood.
  • is planning tbe spontaneous tomorrow.
  • is adamant that if we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure!
  • is moving tectonic plates.
  • finding your lack of faith disturbing.
  • pondering the meaning of death.
  • is inadvertently incoherent.
  • is contemplating virtual suicide.
  • smells better than he tastes
  • is trapped in the facebook status message textbox; send help!
  • is sbusy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which always leads tsomething, cuts intthe nothing and then forces him thave tdrop everything
  • is able tresist everything but temptation
  • gonna procrastinate later
  • is a mystery wrapped in an enigma
  • is kind of a big deal.
  • resides within a galaxy far, far away…
  • is using fake ID tspoof his IP and derail traceroute tsurf privately on facebook
  • is beating his previous record for number of consecutive days alive.
  • is……Actually, if you loved him, you’d already know
  • is gonna turn this car right around if you don’t start behaving!
  • is a member of the jehovah’s witness protection program

Invented the internet:
  • is like a hot knife through butter
  • once unscrambled a scrambled egg.
  • is as blunt as a tennis ball.
  • is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
  • is as round as a square shaped circle
  • is hairier than a shaved ape
  • can touch MC Hammer.
  • doesn’t wear a watch, I decide what time it is.
  • wonders why you read this
  • takes 20 minutes twatch 60 Minutes.
  • is is is is not a stuttterrer
  • is redder than a red brick wall
  • does not sleep. I wait.
  • is planning tquit the day he gets fired.
  • once played 18 holes of golf using a 2 inch toothpick and a sun dried tomato. Shooting a 52.
  • ’s vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever
  • is as tall as a five-foot-nine-inch tree.
  • can clap with one hand.
  • has pretty much gone unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can
  • is walking around the office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
  • is finding your lack of faith disturbing
  • is brought tyou by the letters W T F
  • would like tknow where the fuck Wally is..
  • is adjusting hot fire coals with his penis
  • can sneeze with his eyes open.
  • once killed 2 stones with one bird.
  • is searching facebook for extra terrestrial activity.
  • invented water.
  • has the ability twrite DVDs on a floppy drive.
  • puts the fun in funeral
  • is allowed ttalk about Fight Club.

Some more funny Facebook status quotes:

1.This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, tdog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
2.thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going tpop instead of scaring the **** out of me when it does!! : ).
3.Behind my smile is everything you will never understand.
4.Is hoping that if he stays in Facebook land long enough, the cleaning fairies will come.......?
5.Me and the gummy bears have a plot trule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
6.remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face tfrown BUT it only takes 4 muscles textend your arm and ***** slap the fxxker!!
7.wants his friends tcontinue this story by adding a sentence tit: Last night I went for a walk...
8.thinks women r magic creatures: they get wet without water, bleed without being injured, give milk without eating grass, & can make boneless meat ROCK HARD! wondering why logging ontFacebook has become part of the everyday routine?.... DI really have nothing better tdo! thinking about the people whwalked intmy life and made it better.......... Thanks! ;). a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried tphone in sick but the bastards talked me out of it.
12.says may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person whscrews up your day and may their arms be toshort tscratch...Amen. old enough tknow better, but still young enough ttry and get away with it anyway.
14.wonders if that is snow outside or if Amy Winehouse just sneezed..
15.says.... remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles tfrown but only four textend your arm and slap the twat!!!!!!
16.says that life is toshort twake up in the morning with regrets, slove the people whtreat you right and forget about the ones whdon't.
17.thinks that the worst thing about being lied tis knowing you were not worth the truth.
18.Boy sees his mum and dad having sex! Dad says "were making you a brother" Boy replies " dher doggy style i rather have a puppy".
19.last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought tmyself, where the heck is the ceiling??!!
20.says its not up tme anymore, if you want me in your life you'll find a way tlet me be there and if one day i actually start tmatter please let me know.